The Best Christmas Gift Ever

Since no one found the Fry's of Burbank as mind-blowing as I did, the following will be of little interest to anyone.  I was driving home from a Christmas party when in the distance I see a sign burning bright in the winter sky.  The devil doesn't care if it's Jesus' birthday -Hell is open for business!

UFO Confirmed in Burbank

Like any place, local landmarks and oddities are well known and shared with newcomers.  Like the rest of Los Angeles, Burbank is a land of newcomers.  The secret of Burbank's Fry's Electronics revealed itself to me when I was instructed to find a new microphone for my boss's daughter's karaoke machine.  I suppose the world took pity on my pathetic life.

The Baumer

My friend has a really great site dedicated to his life of habit forming.  He makes light of addiction by indulging in the absurd.  He also happens to be the only person to read my blog so if you want to visit your site, click here.

Here is a recent posting that I enjoyed:

a list of nice things you could say to people who deserve to hear you say good things about them

- Your smile reminds me of a puppy.

- When you opened your mouth to say what you said I did not regret that I had ears.

- You are a fantastic person and I’m glad that we have class together today.

- Don’t let anyone tell you that you are different from who you are because I really enjoy who you are.

- You should feel good because you probably mean the world to someone and their life is a thing that they can enjoy better because they know you.

- If there was a contest between two groups of people and the two groups of people had an equal number of people in them and the contest was to see what group had the most people and you showed up late and joined one of the groups then you would be the difference maker.

- Your brain is made of neurons because I think all brains are made of neurons, but I like the order of your neurons.

- There’s a real sense of sparkle power to your aura right now.

- Once I saw you walking down the street and I got really excited and yelled unintelligible things and people looked at me and I pointed at you and then everyone understood and it was okay.

- I heard you’re really good at that dance trend that hasn’t been invented yet.

- I wish I could hold the words you just said in my head forever and repeat them when I am lonely.

- They say things about pictures and a large quantity of words but when I see you I can only think of three…You’re. So. Cool.

- I heard you make the sexiest pancakes.

Keep whats in the box. I'll take a flack jacket.

After allowing enough time to forget having disliked the preview for The Spirit, I finally watched it last night.  The beautiful costuming and overall styling doesn't make up for the lack of story.  The entire film is one character introduction after the other.  Like most comic inspired stories, the heroes are reluctant with dark pasts they are unwilling to confront.  This film is more like watching the annoying girl that sings in every high school musical take on the role of a prostitute.  Besides the fact that she sucks a lot of dick, it's not very convincing.

With a hundred characters to choose from, a couple shine through.  The shiniest being Morgenstern.  A rookie cop with a big grin and good aim that will, "Make detective in no time."  As the most innocent of the bunch, she's the only one that doesn't look like she's playing dress up. 

Her police catsuit, psychobabble, naive stride, constant texting, and Star of David around her neck is a more thoughtful construction of a human than the endless flashbacks needed to sort out the beginnings of the two leads.

The Spirit is nothing more than a vehicle for Miller to make talking pictures.  In that he succeeds.  The women are gorgeous, the expressions, frames, and speech all reference a century of moving images.  On top of that, he uses a Pandora's Box.  Oh Miller, why oh why do you need to go there?  Everyone loves a good Pandora's Box.  What's in it?  What's in it?!  We love to ask.  A what, a golden fleece?  Is that a Jason and the Argonauts reference?  Really?  It's grenade proof?  Wait.  But The Spirit just survived 8 shotgun blasts to the chest, a toilet to the skull, and many other easily more deadly situations than a grenade.  Doesn't Batman's cape do that?  Clearly Miller didn't read the Pandora's Box Rule Book.
1.  If asked what's inside.  Don't tell.
2.  If you have to tell, make it kill everyone.
Pretty simple.  But no.  He tells us what it is.  The most precious thing in the whole wide world is a explosion resistant blanket.  Below is Sand Saref opening a chest containing, "What every girl wants."  Yeah, every girl wants a fleece.

The following are movies that do it better.

Kiss Me Deadly: Lily Carver opening what turns out to be a nuclear bomb.
We find out what it is.  Everyone dies.

Raiders of the Lost Arc: Rene Belloq right before the spirits of the arc eat him alive.
We sort of find out what's inside.  Still, everyone dies.  Unless you kept your eyes shut, but then the secret is safe.

Pulp Fiction: Vincent Vega being awesome.
We never find out.  Our soles are spared.

•••
More Morgenstern.  Ain't she cute!

Russian Sluts, I mean Spies

The world of international espionage should remain in the shadows where it belongs.  Every time it steps into the spotlight I’m disappointed.  Anna Chapman, the new face of Russian Intelligence must have spies the world over silently gagging.  Similar to the way the family of a centerfold must feel.  The most confusing part of the entire story is, what exactly was she spying on?  As the Cerie of the SVR, I doubt she posed a threat to the United States.  You can read all about her latest mission in this month’s issue of Maxim Russia.  Below is a photo from the upcoming spread.

Ok, that's not Chapman.  It's Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye.  But she is a way better example of a Russian Spy.  Actually, I think Xenia is Georgian.  But seriously, who looks like they're more from Georgia?

Lisa - Weird Science

Marina & the Diamonds: Hollywood

She has the right idea.

Targa by Russ Chimes

I held out for as long as I could.  But I've found myself listening to this song everyday since its release.  The video is juvenile, pretentious, predictable, and I absolutely adore it.

Bones is Back!

 I haven't been this excited since last week's finale of the Bachelor Pad.

Booth and Brennan will be investigating some sort of ridiculous murder this Thursday and I plan on taking their lead and solving it with a face full of chow mein.  I've come to realize for not having cable I watch a lot of TV.  I say that with pride.  A pride in my unapologetic consumption of trash -both commercial and Chinese.

Archer

I finally got around to watching the first season of Archer and I'm seriously considering ordering a mug from the show's official website.

Machete

It's sad to say Michelle Rodriguez in the above outfit is the highlight of Machete.  It lacked everything I expected and wanted.  I expected more interesting kills, and wanted more skin.  Rodriguez took the initial trailer and filled in the gaps.  The gaps being the boring parts between trailer worthy clips.  It was an excuse to put Lindsey Lohan in a nun's habit and give Robert De Niro a southern accent.

Human Waste II

Another great site for all things abandoned.
Lost America

Human Waste

Spaces no longer occupied by the humans that built them have always interested me, for two reasons.  And one of them is not the wonderment of what happened there.  I wonder what a later civilization would think of our choices.  But mainly it reminds me that we are wasteful fools for allowing these places to die.  Not everything ages with grace, but with a little imagination these building can be saved.  And I don't mean turning an abandoned Sears into a daycare center.  I rather gas the place and have it go out in a bang before turning it into low rent housing.

Sears, San Francisco - Katherine Westerhout

The following two sites have amazing photos of places long forgotten.
The Kingston Lounge
Katherine Westerhout Photography

Get Outta My Way

Suck It Gaga!

Watch Kylie Minogue's video for Get Outta My Way.

Nerds Unite!

I'm not a big concertgoer.  Especially when you are forced to bounce and clap so your friend doesn't stand alone.  Friday night I was fortunate enough to see Huey Lewis and the News.  My friend missed their concert 25 year ago so this was his chance.  We traveled two and a half hours each way to feel the Power of Love.  It was as expected.  The distance from home and the unattractive crowd made the awkward stand-dancing bearable.

Music of the Movies by the LA philharmonic is more my speed.  People aren't expected to do anything but sit back and enjoy the show.  The orchestra was conducted by John Williams who lectured us on film between songs.  Brilliant.

Band

I'm starting a band.  We'll be called, I Like Orange Juice, But Lemonade Is Better.  I'm the only member but I speak as though I have mates.  The first album will be self-titled, and we'll eventually be known as simply, Lemonade Is Better.  After the third album is released and we suck, those who knew about the first album before the incredibly popular second, will always add, "They were better when they were I Like O.J."  Reviews for the third album, Not From Concentrate, make reference to Tang, and how we are long past our due date.  I agree with the critics and throw my printer out the window, and the coach in the pool.  Having no band to breakup, I find this therapeutic.  The following year I release an album under the name, I'm Going To Eat Your Face.  It's a hit.

Tapeheads at the New Beverly Cinema

I attended my first showing at the New Beverly Cinema.  They show double features for $7.00 cash money.  The theater was recently saved from bankruptcy by none other than Quentin Tarantino.  I question the authenticity of directors.  The rich and famous always associate themselves with noble pursuits in third world countries, where they can speak on behalf of an association that gives them more credibility than they're worth.  Or at least something that their name can be affixed to.  Not Tarantino, he's legit.  He saved a god damned theater because he could.  How many times have you been bothered by something and thought, if I had the money.  He's the ultimate moviegoer and hasn't forgotten the rest of us -lining up for a movie released 22 years ago.  Curing diseases and rebuilding impoverished nations is all well and good but he gave back to something that has saved so many of us, the movies.

Tapeheads is basically two guys pursuing their dreams of making music videos.  For being a film I've never heard of, it has many recognizable faces and voices.  But now I understand why I've never heard of it, it's boring.  The film is too convoluted for a storyline which would have been perfect if left alone.  The best parts of the film are the two videos they create for their production company, Video Aces.  Like so many films, it's an accidental homage to Los Angeles.

Their first video is a commercial for Roscoe's Chicken Waffles.


The second video is for the fictional band Cube-Squared.


Roscoe's is a real place, with really good food.  And Baby Doll is actually by Devo, making the likability of the tune acceptable.

The director and a couple of the actors were present for a post screening informational.
Their insight resulted in the following nuggets of brilliance.
1.  John Cussack is physcially very strong and not bad at basketball.
2.  Tim Robbins was a jackass even before he was famous.
3.  Catherine Hardwicke, the director of the first Twilight installment was the Production Designer for Tapeheads.  She got the job because she was dating the director Bill Fishman.
4.  Fishman lives by the motto, "Style over substance."  (There is something disconcerting about this phrase but I'm starting to question if I too agree.)

What I'm Thinking Right Now

I'm Thinking...

...you should see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.
 That I need to find...

That Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis combined will never, ever, surpass the awesomeness that is...

That I look like this person...

+ this person.

That my favorite part of her video is...

...and my favorite part of his...

With A Cherry On Top

Dessert is a lot like youth -delicate and temporary.

These are some sweet treats at the Farmers Market at The Grove in Hollywood.

Little Boys - Not so sweet.

•••

I'm no longer invisible.  Look at me.

My life is a special occasion. Glow sticks for all. Everyday? Yeah!

Let The Right One In and The IT Crowd are becoming American.  The friend who told me, laughed and informed me that they have known about my super secret blog.  This person isn't good at breaking bad news.  I'm upset on all counts.  I found comfort at the dollar store, spending my savings on glow sticks.  Something about the shiny packaging promises to make up for all the fun I missed as a teenager.  Glow sticks were a luxury as a kid but now I bask in the fluorescent glow that only plastic can provide.

Warehouse 13

I don't know what to say.  What a great idea.  Crime fighting duo protecting the world's treasures, what more can you ask for?  In this case better writers.  The dialogue and scenarios are beyond predictable, they're lame copies we've seen and heard thousands of times before.  For all of us treasure hunting film lovers, the top secret location of the crated Ark at the end of Raiders is a mystery preferably left unsolved.  Where are these crates kept?  How many are there?  Who is the party that looks after them?  These same questions are posed in the X-Files.  We as an audience are shown a location filled with answers to questions we don't know how to ask.  These are spaces that we can only hope exist.  Both Mulder and Indy would agree that answers are their biggest motivators.  That the truth belongs in a museum, or something like that.  And this is one of the two largest problems plaguing Warehouse.  One, it gives us simple answers to questions so huge that we are left unfulfilled and letdown.  Two, it parallels other programs that will NEVER be matched.  (I only say this because comparing the X-Files to anything, hurts.) (While I'm at it, I would like to say that Fringe sucks.)  Warehouse is a diluted Bones.  The likeness of the two male leads is uncanny, making it hard to distinguish between characters.  The guy is charming, well-liked, and personable.  While the girl is bookish, uptight, and poorly dressed.  But there is something that pulls me in.  I think it's the lighting.
Now, onto Bachelor Pad.

Inception: Dream Falatio 101

Like Titanic and The Departed I had no intention of seeing Inception in the theatre.  I wouldn't have seen them at all, but when Mom comes home with a two part VHS set,  I can't help but tell her I've been waiting to see it.  A friend took me to Inception, they promised a good time.  Inception is a melodramatic nightmare.  The characters are unlovable self indulgent, juvenile, addicts with no redeeming qualities.    The fight scenes are pathetic, the concept is used, and you should listen to that little voice in your head that whispers, "DiCaprio sucks."

What is science fiction?

Yesterday, somebody asked me this.  At first I thought, what sort of question is that?  But it's actually a really good one.  Uhhh, it's about the future, no, the time doesn't really matter.  Sometimes they travel through it.  Technological advancements that have yet to occur in our present day.  Fighting robots?  That was my terrible answer, to a really good question.  It made me realize that a defrosted caveman would not stand a chance with me as an adviser.  Everything in Sci-Fi is a maybe.  Do I expect to laugh, for somebody to fall in love, to experience the truth of reality, for someone to get shot, for the good guys to win, or for time to be nonlinear?  Yep.  I expect all of it, and none of it to be shoved down my throat.  So the best answer to the initial question is.  It's fiction with a bigger imagination.

So Much of Nothing

I've left my job and doing my worst trying to treat my life as a banquet.  I'm a poor sucker starving to death.  That car is mine, one day.

I Like That

I don't have tv, but I am able to catch things here and there.  My current favorites is Party Down.

I Like That

I like to like things.  It gives me a sense of purpose, as though I'm not wasting my life.  I mean, isn't everybody's goal to spend a life full of likes?  Sometimes I hoard my likes.  No one can know about that like because then my like is based on the approval of that like.  But in order to acquire more likes, I must let some free.  A few years back I read that all my generation will be good at is being cool.  Maybe that's why I'm so possessive of my likes.  Because if I'm liked for what I like, I'm cool.
I'm going to share my likes in hopes of being cooler.
1. Documentaries that deligitamize the fine are community.
2. When soda makes my eyes water.
3. Finding marbles.

Sunday Night Misery

As I sit roasting marshmallows over a patchouli scented candle in my flea ridden apartment, I wonder, where am I headed, and if the scent of patchouli is as offensive to the fleas as it is to me.

Carmen MiranDarth

The above are displayed in a comic book shop on Melrose and La Brea.

Hot Girls & Dinosaurs

The Black Keys new video for Next Girl isn't anythings special.  It's girls in bikinis fighting over a lip-syncing dinosaur.  No "directed by," no pseudo acting by the musicians, just hot girls, dinosaurs, and a catchy tune.

My Ride

I Love AA

They held my hand and prayed to G-d.  We sat in the dark around a pile of twinkle lights in a parking garage.  I shook the hand of a former hooker and a former priest -in this case the same person.

Great Movies That Should Have Been Awful

5 Movies From the Past 5 Years That Deserve Your Attention

#5 - The Lake House (2006)
Unlike the rest of this list, The Lake House can also fall into the, "It's So Bad It's Good" category.  I tend to hate that description but in this case it fits.  The movie is so slow that it lulls the viewer into a comforting comatose state.  Having seen Bullock and Reeves together before helps us believe the, they-were-meant-for-each-other scenario and the rest is up to the mailbox.
Recommended for: Those who want some romance without the drama and with a teaspoon of time travel.

#4 - Surrogates (2009)
This film understandably flopped for a few reasons.  The posters were misleading, everyone is sick of artificial intelligence movies, and Bruce Willis.  The posters were too successful as the ads for the fake product, and almost unrecognizable as film posters.  While late to the game, Surrogates is by far the best AI story I've seen yet.  The science is believable (in a Matrix meets Blade Runner sort of way).
Recommended for: Fans of early '90's action movies.

#3 - Ramen Girl (2008)
Besides the obvious casting problem, The Ramen Girl is the typical Master & Apprentice movie.  A tough yet kind-hearted master takes a privileged American under their wing.  We've seen it before but if it's done right, we'll see it again.  Murphy is believably clueless in a foreign land.  Lost and with no self worth, she finds meaning in a Japanese tradition that requires her to subject herself to repeated embarrassment and criticism.
Recommended for: Remember the movie Sidekicks?

#2 - The Forbidden Kingdom (2008)
Every kid is at risk of falling in love with this movie.  The effects are seamless, the action is legit, and everything shimmers and glows.
Recommended for: Underdogs.

#1 - Black Snake Moan (2006)
If the poster isn't enough than I don't know what is.
Recommended for: Grave Spitters the world over.

---

1 Movie From the Past Year That I Bet You Haven't Seen

* Good Dick

This movie deserves to be mentioned because with a name like that it doesn't stand a chance.  Good Dick is about giving people a chance -even porn-watching-emotionally-ruined-unkept-shut-ins.

Recommended for: Porn-watching-emotionally-ruined-unkept-shut-ins.